Parents

Being a parent of a special needs child is truly something I would call an emotional roller coaster. You think nothing can get worse but somehow it does. You feel as though your getting your feet on the ground again and somewhere along the road you tripped and fell on your face realising that your not quite there yet. You tell yourself and deep down in your heart you know that one day, you WILL get there but damn it - someone please tell me WHEN?!

We, who are so blessed to have someone in our life that might have a disability - understand what it means to be put to the test of what our unconditional love means. We wake up every morning ready to start a new day. Ready to fight for our children's challenging abilities. Whether its the simple things that we are trying to succeed or the more difficult things that us 'typical' people carry out as nothing. We NEVER prepare ourselves for what the next day has in store for us. We don't bother because we don't know what it holds. Today is already too much.

I start to think of all the people that I have crossed paths with during my life as a mother of a special needs child and I being to realise that there is a pattern of ignorance when the word 'special needs' is added to the conversation. Early on after Mango's diagnosis, I had to make the decision on how I would explain to people who had no experience of caring for someone with special needs. As much as I feel like throwing my arms and legs in the air like a child throwing a tantrum, I chose to educate people about children with additional needs. Ofcourse, because I love the fact that I put the extra stress on myself but I do it anyway. If not for myself and my sanity but for Mango. All people see from special needs or disability is hard, limited, worthless, handicap but noone ever stops to look at my child to only see that inside those loveable eyes there is a warrior. A strong soul that refuses to stop trying.

So heres the thing... When me and husband found out we were expecting a new addition to our family - it didn't start off by going to centrelink to fill in form and accidentally tick the box 'health problems'. All we knew was that we wanted him in our arms as soon as possible and not in my belly. When we were told of Mango's diagnosis, I wont deny the fact that we were both shocked and scared but it didn't mean we wanted to turn back time. We still wanted him. We still loved him the same way when we found out he was on his way. The only thing that was different was the way we would lead our lives. We now knew that he had to fight everyday for the simple things. Seriously fight... We had over 3 months intensive therapy to open up his thumbs. His thumbs!

We spend everyday in what I like to call 'play therapy'. For the days that we aren't spending in  a hospital waiting room, we play. We play opening our fingers, we play chewing, we play sticking our tongue out, we play standing with our whole foot on the ground, we play with turning our heads from side to side, we sing and sign in AUSLAN because unfortunately for my child, these simple things feel like climbing Mount Everest. These simple and natural human abilities have been a battle for him.

Don't get me wrong though, I have no problem with this. Except today, I feel a bit cranky. Please don't be offended with what I say here. I truly do not mean to be rude in any way and I am very sorry if you do.

I truly believe that parents with typical growing children, who have no experience with what special needs is like dont really understand that real meaning of appreciation and I understand that, they probably never will. That is so fine with me because I understand that you can't really appreciate something until you lose it. OR maybe I've got it all wrong here, maybe what I'm saying is that people need to think before they speak. I can usually suck it up when I hear a parent brag about how advance or bright their child is and that's great! There is no problem with having pride in your child for accomplishing something early or even accomplishing something but please don't rub it in the face of a mother who's child is nearly one and can't even lift his head properly. Once - twice - three times and thats enough. Would you in your right mind complain about how your child is driving you insane if the person you were talking to had recently lost a child? No. Daaaahh...

I'm sure many parents know exactly what I am talking about. So please be considerate. We want to celebrate with you, your children's accomplishments but you don't need to keep rubbing it in our face. And those who say things like 'I wish he would just stop walking! He walks to much and touches everything'. Please I know what your trying to say is 'He is very active and sometimes its a bit overwhelming', so please say it as it is and DO NOT say that you wish your child would stop walking! You do not wish that because I pray that god forbid that your child stop walking one day, you will be wishing that even though you never meant what you said at the time - you definitely will be wishing that those words didn't come out of your mouth the way they did.

It truly hurts to the core to see the look in your child face and see deep in their eyes that they want to play with the children but not physically have the ability to do so. It crushes your heart to see your baby not developing and see the kids around him who were born after him develop into strong able toddlers.

OMG. I just realised that I haven't stopping typing. If you haven't got bored by now. Thank you dearly for reading.
xxx

Support

Today, I wanted to talk about support. I want to try and explain to people who want that understanding of what parents of special needs children and special needs children themselves go through. I typed and deleted and retyped and delete over and over again. I feel as if I need to play my part in helping raise awareness for the community and help them understand. I originally started off by trying to write and post up information about certain things and write about our daily lives and the things that we go through (which is also to try and help people understand what journeys we take) except this is different. I think it is anyway. I pray I do this as much justice as it deserves.

I've been to so many appointments and countless times have they asked if I have support. It was only recently that I asked myself, what is support? Is it to help take care of my children, to have someone to talk to, to help me clean my house, to buy my groceries or to cook me food. What is it? Its all of them, one of them or a few of them. Unfortunately, it's never none of them.

Most parents don't really care if the physical support is there or not. We love it ofcourse but what we look for most of the time is the emotional support. Like all families there are always ups and downs and most of them are very similar and some are very, very different.

Physical support is awesome. It is so difficult running up and down for appointments that we parents begin to forget about the life that we are actually leading and for parents who have more than one child, it can be extremely difficult to give all children the attention they need. I mean I'm sure its hard enough to juggle two typical growing children and then we change on of those children to a special needs child - who requires you 24 hours/7 days. No more time left. Helping with physical support can be grocery shopping, running errands etc. and sometimes it's all about giving a parent a five minute break to remember that they have a body to take care of aswell.

Emotional support (I speak for all parents with any type of child)... it's the same for everyone. It changes the way parents and people lead their lives. A small 'hey, your doing great!' can change the whole attitude for the day and make the rest of the week a very good one. Sometimes our days have been filled with stress or bad news and all we need is to let off a bit of steam or maybe some loud thinking with somebody near by to listen but not talk.

Maybe the best advice I can give on this post is that if you ever see a parent of a special needs child crying, the only thing you really need to let them know is 'Im here'. That's all. 
Sometimes our grief and pain get the best of us when we let our guard down and our scar tissue can't keep it together and we break. We break into a million pieces because somewhere along the 2 minutes that we were just looking at our child who can't walk, or talk, or has an oxygen tube attached to their throat, or a feeding tube that runs through their belly button carried by a back pack that has become a second limb without even noticing, we realise that our child may be like that for the rest of their lives. Dependent on something to help them with the most basic things in life. We realise that our child may never grow up into an adult and be that dream that we always dreamt of. It dosen't matter how many times or when we came to terms with that dream, the hurt doesn't change. It always feel brand new. So, just by letting a parent know that you are there, helps. I don't know how and I don't know why. All I know is that when your broken for so many reasons that you can't even remember them all, it helps to just hear those comforting words of someone letting you know that they are there. Knowing what a parent is broken about isn't as important as making sure they don't feel alone.

For all parents... from me to you

Getting carried away with my thoughts

Hello!

Iv been looking around for a few good early interventions for Mango and looking around to see what type of early intervention would be good for us. Home base or centre base?

I was reading about it and their pretty much the same thing just the home base program is more convenient rather than actually having to travel somewhere, they come to you. They provide all the therapists for both. I'm actually very confused.

I have experience with the home base program and I have no experience with the centres. Maybe what I am looking for is a play group? Well speaking of play group... I have found a wonderful play group!

They are called Lifestart. Its early intervention except the waiting list is forever long so for now the playgroup will have to do as a substitute. The first time we went there was fantastic! There were about 6 parents there all with the special needs children and 'normal' children. They had games for all ages. It started off with playtime, then we all sat in a circle and sang some songs and after that all the mums got to have a cup of coffee and discuss our week or what ever the case was. It was mostly what paediatrician is good? What ophthalmologist is good? Who is the best neurosurgeon? You get the drift... I walked out that afternoon feeling really great. As is all my hard work or trying to find a support group of mothers that catered not only for me but your my little boy too. I found them. I felt sad at the same time to realising - I'm a muslim mother and there aren't any muslim support groups out there that I know of. I'll be on the look out.

It was a nice change to meet mother of special needs children. It so different to knowing your not the only one out there and you are not alone but to actually see it with your own two eyes, it feels like whole new perspective. Bringing me back to my previous post of knowing something and actually knowing (feeling) something.

Please if there are any questions or comments. I would love to hear it. Good luck!

11.30pm

Hi people. So here I am awake at 11.30 at night. I had actually fallen asleep and I was coughing so much, I woke myself up. Yes, I have a cold. Unbelievable. I've got an Orthopaedic appointment tomorrow at 9am. Great.....

You know whats funny though... I'm sick and have been sick for around 4 weeks now. First week I had the fever  second week I had lost my voice, third week I had a bad cough, the forth week I have a flu and to top it all off I'm pretty sure I jinxed myself when I told the doctor 'I was glad the cough is over' and it came right on back without any hesitation. I have a wonderfully crap immune system right now. 

I have been packing it with vitamin D, 3000mg of vitamin C, probiotics, prenatal vitamins, cold and flu tables - need I say more?... 

So while I have tissue stuffed up my nose and a dry cough that I'm praying Mango or my husband doesn't get... I'll still be bobbing around like a loser wondering what I should write next. 

All the best! (I need it more than anyone right now, don't I)

I understand his misery....

Rabbit teeth

Mango has been teething this past week. His front two rabbit teeth are ripping out of his gums. He is also grinding. Everytime he grinds his teeth together its like someone is scratching their nails against a blackboard. That ear-piercing screech that makes your ears ache and fingers tingle.

You see, theres is a different between knowing (understanding) and knowing (from experience). They are both knowing, except one is limited and one is not. This week I went from knowing the cries of parents of teething children to KNOWING what those cries meant and where they came from. I fed Mango pureed sweet potato and he gripped the spoon with his teeth and wouldn't let me have the spoon back. I was pretty convinced that the half-of-the-spoon that was in his mouth was going to end up in the in a little plastic bag held by a surgeon working in the emergency department of a hospital looking at me in disbelief that he had just taken a half eaten spoon out of my son. Yes, I saw that all happen infront of me before I put my finger in his mouth and yank the spoon out before my finger was also going to be dinner. 

Mango is 9 months. His teeth are here and I happily say that this is probably the only milestone that he has reached on time. Why the teeth? WHY?! Every parent I have spoken to tells me how dreadful the teeth are and I had to get the teeth on time. Eeeehhh. I'll take it anyways. It's better than nothing. 

If I found Mango doing this..... I would not be surprised....

ehh...

I had a few friends over the other night. Put my little munchkin to bed and made sure he was drunk with milk that he couldn't even keep his eyes open to finish the bottle. I ordered a pizza and everyone else made dessert. Sat down all together, let the kids run wild while we sat in at the dinning table (where by the way many great conversations have taken place) and we chatted away till even the mice couldn't stay awake.

Chit. Chat. Chit. Chat and I was telling everyone about my terrible history with the paediatric orthoptist at the hospital when I realised that I was reopening a wound that hadn't even healed yet. It felt like I was scratching at a scab and unfortunately I had successfully peeled that dried layer of blood off and I before I knew it, i had started to bleed. I broke into a million pieces without being warned.

I felt hopeless. That very moment I felt like I couldn't go on. I couldn't do it anymore. It was the last straw that I had to give and someone had taken it from me. I felt like my lungs were being squeezed and my heart was about to come out of my chest any moment. I broke. I broke and all the strength that I used to keep myself together was yelling it. That week I was also suffering from a sore throat and was croaking. So imagine  runny nose, puffed eyes and red face make a nice crying picture... except when you turn the sound on and all you hear is a frog croaking uncontrollably as if cheering for the footy.

After a few minutes of what seemed like a fight to get myself together and stop croaking uncontrollably. I felt like all my armour had been shined although dented everywhere, I was ready to begin again. Which also, brought me to the the thought "hold on. I have no voice. I actually have NO voice. How am I supposed to be my son's voice and be serious when everyone around me was to busy laughing at my croak instead of concentrating on my words." So I did the inevitable.  I drank an asian remedy for a sore throat. Pear, lots of blended ginger and lemon. Hold it! As much as colourful rainbow that might sound, it is really rather-stick-your-finger-in-your-mouth-and-vomit-because-that-taste-is-enough-to-kill disgusting. No lie. Try it if you don't believe me. Before you do though, let me know and I would like to see your face as you do it. =)

Diagnosis, grieving and accepting

GOD always has something for you,

a key for every problem,

a light for every shadow,

a relief for every sorrow and

a plan for every tomorrow

Dear Mother and Father of a special needs child. It is nothing that you did or did not do that could have made this happen or is the reason that your child is special needs. It just was. 

From the moment Mango was born, I knew something was wrong. It was my maternal instinct that told me that something but I don't know what, was wrong. I used to tell my husband that Mango was sick or something but it just didn't feel right. He used to tell me that I was dreaming. 

Ofcourse, lo and behold 9 weeks later we received the diagnosis that our precious boy had a very rare chromosome disorder. So from then on... I always trust what my gut tells me.

{After diagnosis, the family goes through a whole process or recovery. It feels as though someone has shot you in the heart - your heart is aching, screaming in pain but just wont stop beating and suddenly the next thing you know your in a coma. Your awake but your body paralysed. At first you thing that maybe your dreaming and you can't understand why or what has just happened. You can't scream out and ask for help because the voice inside your head is screaming but your mouth isn't moving. }

From this moment on... everyone carries on with their lives, nothing about it has changed except that your paralysed and the only people suffering is you and the people that are closest to you. Well in my case.

Grieving. Then we finally learn and understand what has happened. How could this have happened? What did I do to deserve this? WHY did this happen? OH MY LORD!!!

Grieving can come in many different way depending on the person. I know for me personally I went in fight response and just turn all sensory and emotional feeling off and skipped right into doing something. Which ofcourse was o.k. for the time being. My problem? I never grieved. 

It's important for us to grieve. Those tears and sad words and cries for help. That all needs to come out. We need to go through falling down, curling up in a ball and crying before we are able to stand up, straighten our clothes out and stand tall. It's all part of the process. I hate to say it but I don't know if I can really get over this. 

Accepting. A friend once told me accepting doesn't mean that once you have accepted, you are not sad. To accept something you don't have to happy about it. You can still not be happy with it and who knows we might never be happy with it. It just means we accept and are ready to live with it in a different was than we have been. Not physically but more mentally. Our brains are still all mushy and squashed but it just means we can see a little bit, even a tiny winy bit clearer now. 

So my quest to get over grieving was a goal I was trying to reach for many months now. I can't say that it has been that easy and that it ever will be. I know now that my baby is the way he is. I would never change anything about him. I know that now. This is it and there is no wishing how thing were different but hoping that maybe this will start getting better.

He is who he is and I love him. I loved him from the moment we found out we were expecting. If he wasn't Mango, he wouldn't be mine. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache from the hurt and pain I feel. The knowing of that my beautiful just so wonderful boy will ever have a normal life. Will ever be able to love and hold someone. To even KNOW that someone is there. To feel like he is not different but the SAME. I can't grasp the idea that Mango might one day realise the children around him are playing, running around, using their hands, talking and laughing, all these things that everyone takes for granted because they don't know how hard it is to 'move that hand, grab that toy or focus on that face' when these things are supposed to come naturally - and he can't do any of that. Will he ever feel INcluded rather than EXcluded. So my heart aches. I dont think that a day in my life will go by that it doesn't but now that I have grieved I see things differently. Yes, my heart is aching and screaming out   all week sometimes but I see things differently. I've cried all my tears till not one tear was left unshed and ached all my pains till the aching when numb. Then I finally stood up and told myself that it's over. That part is over. It's time to move on now. I don't know how but I will try. WE will try. 

 I see this as an opportunity. We will learn all our lives about how to do things. How to have more patience and how to love more and appreciate more. We will take this as an opportunity for learning. Well... We learn all our lives don't we?

P.S. So many parents have gotten to the end... If they can. WE can too. 

Not Alone (still trying to believe everyday)

After several months of doing it alone, with no one I knew who were going through the same things my family was going through, I finally pulled my socks up, took my courage and gave it a good shake. I needed to find people, HUMANS!!! I wanted to find people with experience. It didn't matter if the child had the same chromosome disorder, a different one or didnt have any chromosome disorder just a small delay. I didn't care. I just wanted to meet special needs parents and listen to their special needs experience. I felt so helpless. 

How is it that I sit around all day, praying and exercising Mango so he can learn to look at things, lift his head up and bring his hands to his mouth and yet after months he still cant do it.

Back to the point, that is a totally different post. I finally signed up for the Unique support group. I found play groups for special need parents and what ever else I could find. I was desperate even if it meant I had to go door knocking. 

UNIQUE is a support group for special needs parents with children or family who have rare chromosome disorders. They were so wonderful. We emailed back and forth and then I joined their facebook network cafe (closed group). There, I didn't meet parents who had the same disorder as my son but I met parents going through the exact same thing I was going through. From sleepless nights to hypotonia and feeding issues. Everyone, regardless of race, religion, country or colour we were all united but one thing... our loved ones needs. Parents with adult children who have been diagnosed and new parents who jut found out early or late. 

So for all parents out there whose children are special needs.. mild or severe, you are not alone. You might feel alone, like I did and I sometimes still do but your not. There are people out there, maybe worse or maybe not so severe at all but We are all united by one thing. Our UNIQUE children.  

Mango and Eczema

Over the past few weeks Mango has been having a sever case of eczema. In the beginning I thought that it was just heat rash. But it starting to peel and scar up and we haven't even been in the sun! So sunburn was out of the question. His face, ears, chest, belly, legs, feet and arms all were covered in red rash. Poor little one. He would rub his face into my chest as if he were to try and dig a hole with his face. My friend's bub has eczema and she bought me QV bath oil and Dermaveen lotion for eczema.

I took Mango to the GP and she her eyes nearly popped out. She gave me some steroid cream (not strong ofcourse 1%) and she told me to go home and put it on him straight away. 

After a few days of using the steroid cream it has become so much better so i'm back to just using the QV and Dermaveen. Well anyways, one thing I learnt from a friend was to wash him with oats. So When ever I gave him a quick bath under the sink, I would put some outs into an old stocking and rub it all over his body. Surprisingly he came out of that bath much more calmer and lets red. It works. 

Overall... Eczema sucks. Anyone have any other tips they would like to share? I would love to know. One lady came to me and told me to try and use Devondale butter. As in Devondale margarine. I haven't tried it yet...